You destroyed me. And as far as i know, You don't destroy the people you love

Sunday, March 9, 2014 0 comments
Yesterday, while you were telling me how i made you feel, i covered my face with a blanket because i was so ashamed of what i did. I kept my mouth shut, my jaw clenched, every muscle in my body tensed and turned away from you.

You told me to stop believing that you were incapable of leaving me. You were lying, i thought. I kept my silence, waiting for you to calm down but i guess you took my stretch of silence personally. Instead of calming down, you got furious and talked nonstop about how you could leave me right at that moment. I trembled with the words you chose to say, but tried not to let it ravage my emotions.

You continued to focus on yourself, your anger and how you felt that you never saw me slowly inching away from you. Your anger and frustration was strangling me. Out of pain, i dared you to stand by what you said and leave me, right away did i burry my face in the pillow beside me, trying to hide my tears. I thought you'd apologize but you didn't.

When i heard footsteps walking down the stairs, i ran quickly and saw you trying to put your shoes on. I was already crying my heart out when i rushed to where you were sitting and sat on your lap. I wrapped my arms around you and sobbed on the curve of your neck, begging you to stay. I blurted out my apologies yet you didn't care.

You tried to push me away but my grip on you only got tighter. You told me to stop and said that you didn't want to be with me anymore. You looked at me right in the eye when you spoke about how i was only prolonging what was about to happen, we were going to break up someday anyway, why not do it now. I tried not to listen to what you were saying and desperately clung to you, hoping that you would momentarily pull yourself out of your black hole and notice that I'm here, loving you and asking you not to leave me.

Minutes passed by, and now i was on the floor trying to take your shoes off. When you began to walk away, i held on to your legs, dragged by every step you took. All i wanted was for you to stay. The pinch of pride that i had left took over me, I stood up and allowed you to leave. I shouted and told you not to dare come back and ask for forgiveness. You left and it felt like the world had drained me of everything that i had.

I went back upstairs and saw myself on the mirror, there was hollowness in my eyelids and emptiness in my heart. I quickly changed my clothes and went off looking for you, I was walking with no direction to go, visual pictures of you flashed through my mind and each one's edge were stabbing me on the way down.

I wasn't close to giving up when i saw you sitting in a bench, i sat beside you and you looked at me, asking me what i was doing. I again tried to apologize, I mumbled 'sorrys' in between my muffled breaths but you didn't pay attention. I tried to talk you into comming back to the apartment with me where we could talk privately, you didn't want to. After a silent moment, i told you how hungry i was and that i needed to buy lunch. I knew that would work because knowing you, you hated it when i skipped meals.

You stood up, walked with me and a big weight was lifted off my chest, I tried to hold your hands while we were walking but you kept on taking it off, tears were once again uncontrollably falling from my eyes, you told me to stop crying but how could i when your words and actions were cutting me like hot bleeding knives. I bought lunch and decided to eat it at the apartment so we could talk. When i took out the keys from my bag, i asked  to hold my food so i could open the door, you placed it on the cemented pavement because you didn't even want to hold anything that was mine. I felt like you were disgusted of me.

When we got in, I laid my food on the table, You sat on the chair across me, i slowly moved my food beside you so i could sit next to you. My food was saltier than usual, probably because of the tears thats been dripping from my eyes, i evem burned my tongue because my food was too hot. (Yes, even in my most
emotional dilemmas, i still am as clumsy as fuck).

I once again wrapped myself around you, asking for your forgiveness.And you were once again, trying to escape from my embrace. You said you didn't want to talk to me. I then threw myself on the floor and was tripped again into that horrible blackness, my nails were cutting into my skin and i was aching and praying for the pain to just go away. I was slumped on the floor with my head faced down, I could feel all the pain shatter my heart into a thousand fragments. The coolness of the tiled floor slowly faded as my continuous breath heated the spaces in front of me. The sobbing went on and on until you took of your shoes and went upstairs.

I followed you there, hugged you and cried. You kept on trying to take my hands off you while telling me that you didn't want to be with me anymore. At that moment, everything looked like sand that already had slipped through my fingers. I moved away from you and sat down crying, clutching my chest because it hurted so badly. I ran out of breath yet my cries never stopped. My heart felt like a punching bag, taking jab after jab only to be sucker punched again. The pain was real. It curved its way into my veins and sunked its teeth with what was left of my once, unbroken heart. What made it worse was that i was in complete pain while you just sat there and watched me fight an internal battle alone.

I was grasping for air when i felt two hands pull me into a tight embrace, Finally, you wrapped your arms around me and pressed your lips into my hair. My aching body started to sink into you and your smell, your touch made it seem like the world finally has its axis again. My tears were drying up and my sobs stifled.

We stayed like that for a few minutes, when i finally calmed down, we talked about what happened.  You explained how you all did it on purpose just so that i won't be too confident that you weren't going to leave me, so that i won't be too secured about where we are in our relationship to the point that i start disobeying you because i know we'd be fine the next day. I know you had a point there but don't you think you took it a little too far?

You asked me if i got scared or did i only get hurt because your intention was to do both. You cradled me in your arms and told me that you loved me. And babe that was the first time in a long time that i didn't believe you. Because you dont intentionally hurt the people you love. You dont play with the emotions of the people you love. You dont just sit there and watch while the person you love is falling apart. You don't do that, You don't do that to the people you love.

You know whats funny? Its that this whole thing started because of a little lie that i made. I told you i wasn't going to drink alcohol but i did. I know that it was my mistake but don't you think all this was too much? Remember the times when you lied too? All we had to do was to talk about it and then we'd be fine right away. Remember the other day when you lied again? You felt really bad and instead of you trying to fix things, I was the one apologizing for making you feel bad about lying. Remember whenever you made mistakes, I was always there ready to understand and forgive you. And now, i was the one who needed understanding, I was the one who needed forgiveness. Yes, you gave it but only after you tore me apart.

Baby, you destroyed me. And as far as i know, you don't destroy the people you love.


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