I fell out of love.

"Love yourself"

This is an awful cliche, but it is a cliche for a reason.

My first semester as a College Sophmore didn't quite go as planned. Before the beginning of the sem, I had 4 main goals 1.) Mantain my college scholarship 2.) Develop a better relationship with daddy 3.) Be a better person 4.) Attend church regularly

Unfortunately, The tides weren't in my favor, I failed to reach any of the said goals. Frankly, the opposite of what i wanted happened. Not only did i lose my college scholarship, but my relationship with Daddy is hanging by a thread, I'm becoming the person that i said i'll never be and I don't go to church anymore nor do i read my bible.

I am the complete opposite of who i was a year ago. i wonder what changed me? What made me the person that i promised i'd never be? I tried to reflect on the things that have happened over the year and to be honest, these are nothing compared to what I've been through before. 

But finally after days, weeks and months of searching for the answer. I have finally figured it out. Its not a matter of what happened to me, not a matter of what events took place, nor is it about what others or what i have done. I realized that all of my failures branched out from how i felt within. It was all because of one main reason: I fell out of love with myself.

Its sad to know that somewhere in between the name-calling, the 'trying-too-hard-to-impress-dad', the unhealthy friendships, vying for acceptance and seeking faith. I forgot how to love myself.

There is self-neglect in me and it kills me to know that it's there. The amount of pressure that i have put on myself to be all things to all people is making me spread myself so thin that i have absolutely no time for me. It's easy to say these things. It's easy as heck to write about it. but to do it is one of the hardest things. I try and try and try but right now, It's just too difficult.

I live in a society where i am often thought to believe that i'm not beautiful, that i'm not meant for greatness. As sad as it may sound, i started to believe this based on the standards that society has built. You know what? Fuck society! Fuck these superficial standards! And fuck everyone who has brought me down! I may have imperfections but i am beautiful, I am smart, I am strong and I should not be listening to assholes who aren't even worth the time and energy i spend on them.

I want to feel as important as everyone else. I want to know that my thoughts and emotions are valid. I want to be treated kindly and thoughtfully. I want to give myself the approval that i seek from my dad and from others. I want to be strong enough to accept both my positive aspects and human fallibility. I want to be assured that it's okay not to be good all the time, that it's fine to make mistakes. I want to be told that my mistakes does not make me less of a good person.

I know that trying to fall in love with myself may take a bit of time but i'll try, I'll try really hard and once i find it, I'm seeking to maintain it and make it last forever.