At some point in our lives, we meet an intimacy-phobic girl who runs away from true connection. If you haven't, then you're probably her.
It took me quite some time to admit it to myself but i'm afraid of real commitment.
Don't get me wrong, I do want to fall in love, I want to meet my own prince charming and have my very own fairytale. As what i wrote in my other post ("Lets pretend to be in love. Shall we?") I want crazy, passionate, consuming love.
In my head, I have this grand idea of what Love is and how it feels. It's easy to write and talk about how much i want it but when it knocks on my door, I'm too terrified of turning the knob and opening myself to it. I'm a coward. I'm engulfed in so much fear -- The fear of rejection, fear of losing self-control, fear of falling out of love but mostly, it's the fear of not being good enough.
The thought of people getting to know the real me and realizing that i'm not worth loving, scares me. But you know what scares me the most? It's ME realizing that i'm not worth loving. I have this distorted picture of who i am. I force myself to believe that i'm enough, that i am worth it and that i deserve the best because i am the best but is that really the truth? or is that just a self-deceptive lie that i tell myself to feel good?
When people reject or abandon you, Usually it's because there is a problem with you. And that's exactly what i'm afraid of. I don't ever want to feel like there is something wrong with me. I don't want to lose my self-worth and so, i push everyone away just so i could keep the illusions that i force feed myself. I'm afraid to step out of familiar territory. I want to stay here, in my own little world, where i am nothing less than perfect.
I write about obsessions and crushes but never about real intimacy. And i have a feeling that it will stay that way until i stop staying in self-preservation mode and accept myself for who i really am, not the contorted image of who i think i am.
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